KONKIN'S REBELLION

One thing led to another, and soon Justice bureaucrats were placed under intense scrutiny and were held accountable for the linguistic misdeeds. They found, much to their dismay, they could no longer hide behind confusing legalese and obfuscation.

Historians place the beginning of the revolution in a rural county in Northern California, where a local upstart with the unlikely name of Lysander Konkin challenged the language found in court documents that charged a hapless pot grower with cultivation.

It wasn't that Konkin was worried about the pot grower. He just got tired of being included in each and every machination the politicos dreamed up.

Konkin figured that first it would be some hippie grower, then an "outlaw" home-builder, then a zoning violation culprit, then a sign ordinance felon. One thing would lead to another and soon even all-American rednecks wouldn't be safe from the courthouse gang. Enough was enough!

In the court proceedings that day the DA began as usual, reading the charges: "The people of the State of California vs. Harry Hippie ..." And so on until all the charges were listed.

Konkin, sitting in the back row, stood up and hollered to the judge, "Just a darn minute, judge! I'm a people of this state and don't want to be included in this here proceeding!" The judge didn't take kindly to this disruption in his courtroom, so he had Lysander bounced by the bailiff.

The indignity of being 86'd from the court was too much for Lysander, so he marched over to his lawyer's office and filed a suit. The suit demanded that "Lysander Konkin" be excluded from all future court proceedings where the DA claimed "the people" charged the defendant. After all, if Lysander Konkin didn't have any beef against the accused, they why should he be included with those who made the charges?

The lawsuit was very specific. It was plain fraud for the government to claim that "the people" of the state charged the accused. There were many people in the state who didn't agree with the charges and would never have made them. Some did, but many didn't. Lysander Konkin was one who didn't.

It seemed obvious to Konkin that if there was a victim, then charges should be filed in that person's name. If there was no victim, Konkin wanted no part of it.

Much to the lawyer's astonishment the suit prevailed all the way to the Supreme Court. Several politicians wrote legislation to overturn the "Konkin precedent," but miraculously the courts ruled them unconstitutional. Konkin's name was thereafter excluded from all court recitations.

Henceforth from that day, the DA's charges read "The people of the State of California (except Lysander Konkin) vs ..." Konkin became an overnight celebrity. His name was known to every lawyer in the country and he appeard on the talk shows for weeks.

It was only a matter of time before millions of other upstarts across the nation filed their own lawsuits for exclusion from court proceedings.

Soon, reading the charges against the accused began to take some time ... "The people of the State of California (except Lysander Konkin, Dan Dougherty, Marcia Lopez, Arlene Ventriglia Taeger, Joseph Fuhrig, Dimitri Ramus, Robert McKee, Strawberry Jam, Lawrence Samuels, Anthony Sannella, Dena Cornett, Erroll Brady, John Howard, Stormy Mon, Morris Tannehill, Win Bear, Hubert Hairs, John Robertson, Etc.) Vs ..."

A month later the list of exceptions grew so large that it was bulkier tan the list of charges. Six months later the list of names grew to over 1,500,000 pages. The bailiff began using a wheelbarrow to bring them to court.

Within a few years, the government ceased prosecution of all victimless crime. The jails were emptied of bookies, pot smokers, gamblers and prostitutes. Crimes of theft related to drugs plummeted overnight, and law enforcement costs were slashed. Teenage drug use, including alcohol and tobacco, dropped when the mystique vanished.

In a related case, a 12-year old named Clyde Schwartz bought 3 joints from the neighborhood dealer Mick Bagger. Clyde's parents found out and sued Bagger for selling drugs to a minor and won $10,000 damages on grounds that Clyde was too young to give informed consent and was therefore victimized. It was rumored that Clyde used the $10,000 to buy a new Lemon computer system. Dealer Bagger and his associates thereafter required proof of age in all transactions.

Organized crime became disorganized and soon crumbled; the prematurely retired Mafia bosses opened pizza houses and raised petunias. Police departments around the nation found they had little else to do except fight real crime. Taxpayers were delighted.

Years later, Konkin, when asked by a reporter from "Persons" magazine if he was proud to have a famous legal precedent named after him, replied modestly "I sure am, wouldn't you be?"